Christmas 2012

I think we're pretty much there now. This year it was time to have Christmas at Birdie and Papas. It's been 3 years (?) since we've had christmas here. Andrew never has. I honestly, have been terrified. Nothing about traveling for 6 hours followed by four nights away from home sounds appealing to me, but it is nice to be out of the house and our comfort zones, and this is a great support group to do so. The trip down went better than I could have imagined. We stopped once for lunch and got right back on the road. I thought we would need to have the DVD player going for the entire trip, but Andrew lost interest partway through the Curious George collection he got fr his birthday from his brothers. The babies fell asleep at their target time of 1030 to 1130, but only for about an hour. We subtley turned it off and didn't turn it back on until the last hour. W left about 10 and got in at 4. Very impressed. The first night was a little rough, but nothing unexpected. The next night, Andrews first bunking next to Lexi, went really well. He even stayed in bed until his rabbit alarm told him it was ok to get up. He's getting so big. He just started to appreciate slides a d swings on this trip. Historically, he just likes climbing up and down toys but he's not really into using them as intended. Baby Brothers are getting big too. They are aclimating nicely to sleeping over here. Birdie has done a pretty good job of baby- proofing the place so they have almost 100% roam, depending on what activities are going on and where. Most importantly the sunroom, living room, and all the toys therein are accessible on demand, and there are always a few choice pots, utensils and bowls at their disposal in the kitchen. The babies are really impressive. Wesley had been standing for a long time, and I thought he would walk first. He then lost interest. Owen, tenacious as he is, worked so hard on free-standing and stepping. His persistence was really inspiring for those that took notice. After about a month of this he was walking, and very proud of his feat. About a week later, Wes decided he didn't want to be the only non-walker and just got up and walked around with very little to-do about it. Thinking back I think it was that way with thumb-sucking and crawling too. Owen practices all day long with a physical determination and a macro motor prowess that very impressive. Then, almost at though Owen shares his notes with Wes at night, Wes just does it one day. I don't notice Wes watching Owen, so I'm not convinced he's some sort of hyper-visual learning (although its certainly possible). He just does. Owen still has the grace of experience in comparison, but the learning curve and technique are very different. Owen is very quite and easy when he is well. Very chill. So mellow, in fact, that Kel is often concerned that he doesn't get the attention he may need that his brothers demand. When he's sick or sore, not the case at all. Like his father, he is evidence that long fuses generally lead to big bombs. His macro- motor skill and tenacity lead us to believe that he will likely be our scholar-athlete. Wes is very different from his brothers. He is very dramatic. He's quick to fuss, quick to recover, and quick to smile. So much so that all the wolf-crying makes us not respond as quickly as we may want to when he really is in pain. He's getting some big teeth in now and really milks it. He loves accessorizing. Lately it's been hats, shoes and necklaces (including toy stethoscopes and hreart-rate monitors). I'm sure he will love to play dress up soon. He will likely be a drama-geek. Andrew has always had really strong micro-motor skills and focus. His favortie toys and movies have always been alpha-numeric (Bath letters, alpha bots, letter magnets, Meet the ___, Phantom Tollbooth, etc). We think he will probably get into engineering or other technical fields.

Sleep Training

How ignorant we were. Being parents in this budding internet age is... interesting. There's plenty of fear-mongering to feed our paranoia. With Andrew we identified with Attachment Theory. Complete bullshit in hindsight. Attachment Theory caters to a parent's selfish desire to give their child and endless supply of fish instead of teaching him to fish on the premise that eventually the child will want to learn to fish and will either ask you how it's done or magically learn on their own.

For a parent of a single child, this co-dependent behavior is comforting even though the nights are rough. "He'll outgrow it" we say. Andrew was 16 months old before he consistently slept through the night. He was 19 months old before he consistently put himself to sleep at night. Bullshit. All because we never gathered the balls to teach how to fish for himself. Now he's over 2 years old and he still uses a pacifier on a regular basis. REGULAR basis.

With the twins we no longer have time for any of this catering/coddling nonsense. We know it doesn't serve them well and we're looking for solutions. We decided to take the plunge and commit to the exact instructions of a sleep trainer. Enter Vivian. She came over to our home Monday morning about 10:30 am, assessed out situation including the boys' rooms, what they wear to keep them warm, their size, feeding schedules, nap schedules, bedtime routine... the whole nine yards. She gave us a number of little suggestions to take effect immediately (most notably, NO MORE PACIFIERS - "baby cigarettes" as she called them) and a structured... flowchart I guess you'd call it, although it wasn't visual, on how long to let them cry and what to listen for.

The structure below was built for our twin boys based on god-knows-what from Vivian's experience. I'm talking about this now here mainly because I want to be able to share this experience with the boys later if they want to know. Of course, I'm all too happy to share my elation with parents who are just as confused and bewildered as Kel and I were. Our boys are now 4 months old, are very healthy, and are in about the 50 percentile for the various stats for all children their age. Vivian may create a different set of rule for you as your child will be different from ours. I would recommend talking with a professional about this and not going off of the little tidbits below from another amateur like me.

We're to listen to 3 types of cries: whining/fussing (which we are to ignore), screaming crying (which we are to ride out for 35 minutes minimum), and a "wave" cry (which switches back and forth between the first two; this one we're to ride out for 40-50 minutes, depending on how long the last scream in the wave was). If any of these cries continue after the above time limits we "take action".
For naps, "take action" means to go in and stop the nap. Try again in 45 minutes. For nighttime, "take action" means bring a bottle into their room, pick them up and feed them, no talking, no rocking, no changing (unless you smell a poop); strictly business. Feed him until he stops, give him a burp. Put him back down. No nonsense. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Monday naps were kind of tricky. Not bad but not great. I think we started with the first nap so they had an idea of what was ahead for nighttime. Monday night we only needed to "take action" with each once. Tuesday naps went fine. 5-10 minutes of crying at the start, then out.

Tuesday night...

They slept all night long. Blew. My. Mind. 6:30 pm to 6:45 am. Kel and I woke at 4:30 this morning and had no idea what was going on. I guess we went back to sleep because soon after that the 6:30 alarm went off. I'm here at work now and I have no idea what's going on. The whole world is full of opportunity now. I don't even know...

I think the timing was kind of perfect for the twins. Vivian says she can work with children (and by "children" I of course mean "parents"; who's really being trained here?) as long as the child is healthy and at least 8 weeks and 12 pounds. I obviously shouldn't count any chickens yet. We need to keep the log going until we get 5 consecutive nights from them. I'm clearly optimistic.

If your a relatively new parent reading this and are considering sleep training, as far as I'm concerned it's the only way to go. Don't make excuses for yourself postponing teaching and disciplining your children. That's what this is really about. My boys are visibly happier now that they are rested. I know I am.

Cleared!! And better sleep now!

We heard last Thursday that they boys do not have VLCAD! They have a gene that looks "funny" but they're carriers at worst. We have them sleeping in my office with the monitor since then. We're finding they generally go down in the 6:00 hour, wake in the 10:00 hour, again in the 2:00 hour and again in the 4:00 hour. This is not convenient because Andrew has been waking up at 5:00 sharp for the last couple of weeks since the Daylight Savings change.

Last night we tried something new: Bath Time! The twins were bathed in the 7:00 hour before they went to sleep, but didn't really shut down until about 8:30... and slept until 1:00!!! They went back down and woke up again at 4:00 ish. This is very good news. Cutting out one of the feedings is a REALLY big deal. This would have worked out well for us but that Andrew got a cold last night (of course, right?) and woke up crying at 11:30 and again at 2:30. Poor little guy... hope he gets better soon, but in all likelyhood this bug will cycle all the way through the family...

Swaddling

So... Apparently the boys do like to be swaddled! We swaddled them in the hospital and for the first week or so but then came to the conclusion that they didnt like it. Now here we are at 7/4 weeks old ( actual age/due date age) and they've been sleeping like crap. We're kind if at our wits end with their sleep, tried swaddling again and it seems to wor well! Granted, it's just the first nap we've tried but the results are strong. Looking forward to tonight to see his it goes!

We just started really reading up on Wiessbluth this week. We probably should have done this sooner so could have prepared for this time a little better. At least we're starting the drowsy but awake thing early. I think that if we knew more about sleep training with Andrew he would have had his skills earlier. He didn't sleep through the night considtantly until 16 months and wasn't putting himself down until 3 months after that. We simply can't do that with the twins. There aren't enough hours in the day!

Once we reach 9/6 weeks the sleep schedules should start to normalize. Greatly looking forward to that!

Metabolic Disorders

The twins were flagged in the California Newborn Screening Program as testing positive for VLCAD enzyme deficiency. This resulted in having to get their blood drawn (not heal prick, a full on blood draw) when they were only a week old. W were told that a few tests would need to be run at various facilities and that we probably would not hear back for 3-4 weeks.

As it turns out two samples should have been drawn and each should have gone to separate facilities. 4 weeks later we hear that the key sample for gene sequencing never made it to Cinncinatti Children's hospital. The was some goof in the paper work and Quest Diagnostics didn't do anything with the blank request form they were given. The form should have been prepared by the UCSF/Stanford Genetics team that requeted the test, or inquired about by the pediatrician's office that gave the forms to bring to the draw, or questioned by the lab when they received the blank form.

I'm not sure how much the parents of week-old newborns can be held accountable to make sure that these forms are completed in whatever wacky medical jargon that needs to be present, but as I'm experiencing, we should never trust anyone to manage the well-being of our children. In the end it falls on us, and I would argue specifically the fathers, to be aware of what the problems are and to be checking in with the various "professionals" along the way. I say it all the time: "the only thing I really learned in grad school is that no body really knows anything". I'm considered to be an expert in something and I surely don't know much about it! Why should I expect a higher level of expertise from someone else.

So now I've contacted the head of the genetics department personally. I go the name of the genetics counselor that works on cases like ours. I got to hear the results from the tests that were run straight from the people that work with these kinds of tests all the time. I requested new forms be set completed directly to me. I requested that in addition to the requesting doctor at UCSF, our pediatricians name and my name be added to the forms so that the testing facilities will be legally allowed to speak with each of us directly.

And I did all of this in relatively short order. You could ask me why this wasn't done in the first place or who's to blame, but in the end it doesn't matter. As a father it falls on me to pick up the pieces that someone else dropped and carry them to where ever they need to go in order that my children get whatever it is they need. I don't have time to figure out who's to blame. Even stopping to find out who's responsible, even if i wanted to get someone fired, would represent a learning opportunity for them.

If you are supposed to help me support my family and you fail, I'm not going to stop to pick you up and help you learn and grow. You lose. You have been left behind. And you probably won't hear about it.

Kel is planning on writing John Muir with some suggestions about how they can better handle patients who test positive for various conditions within the newborn screening program. I think that's a great idea. I will help her write it. After I know my boys are well and taken care of.

License to be Grumpy, Apparently

Last weekend, particularly the time between 7:00 October 22nd and 7:00am October 23rd, marked a new low for Kel, the boys, and me. Our sleep schedule has been the following: ideally Andrew is in bed and alone by 7. Kel sleeps from 7 to 10 (3 hours), then she comes and relieves me so I can sleep from 10 to 4 (6 hours) and then I'm on again so she can get 3 more hours (4-7) before I have to get ready for work. Lately it's been more like 2.5/5/2.5 because Andrew's schedule gets shifted and the transitions between our shifts take a little longer than planned. You have to adapt, right?

I had the great last weekend to try a technique she read about on one of her groups: Mom and Dad wake up together, crank out the routine together in ~half an hour, and everyone goes back to sleep for another 3 hours. Sounds great right? Well, apparently these other twins are older than our 5-week-olds. NO ONE got any sleep at all. I must have forgotten about how noisy these guys are sleeping at night. Always grunting and squirming and talking. They say that sleeping routines emerge around 6 weeks so I guess I should have known better. Also, and we didn't know this until the morning, Wes had a giant (for him) booger in his nose that was making him wheezy all night.

Kel and got... maybe... between us... 3 hours. A new low. Now I know why we have it set up the other way.

Sunday was spent in pajamas watching TV and hanging out with our boys. We got nothing done. No laundry, no dishes. We barely got showers. It's funny, you can tell when Robin's been here because the laundry piles are small, if existent at all. You can tell when Dad's been here because bottles are clean and drying on the racks. We tried our best to recover Sunday but we could only make so much progression. We knew Robin was coming back Monday and we decided to not ask for help and try to get through it ourselves. I think, even with the benefit of hindsight, that this was the right call and gave us some confidence and seasoning after October 22nd, 2011: The Night From Hell, hereafter referred to as TNFH, or Tonfweh Night (inserting O and W for pronunciation assistance for obvious reasons).

This night represented the New Low for us as parents, where we lost all patience with our little boys and had no sympathy for their pains and uncomfortability at all. No abuse went down or anything like that, but we picked them up like so many objects and told them probably a couple of times "will you just shut up already???". Certainly nothing to write home about, but also certainly not the way we want to raise them and model love for them. I think every parent has to have that New Low night for each of their kids when they're forced to acknowledge that their lives are not their own anymore and that these helpless little creatures get a bye for everything they do that pisses you off.

We swore on that night that we would take the high ground, and keep ourselves in check about taking the high ground from that day on. And what that really means is for the rest of their infancy, when its really hard to raise them. I'm sure we will need to have a similar kind of Summit Meeting when they're older and present us with new challenges, but you really gotta take this thing a week at a time. Two years is a very long term promise for us as far as we're concerned.

This morning I had to admit that these guys are pretty cute. It's amazing what a good night's rest and a few games of Starcraft II will do for my mood. On Tuesdays and Thursdays Dad has been coming over at 4 to relieve me of that early morning shift. This has obviously been awesome. He comes and helps Kel with the boys a few mornings a week and decided that the best way to help me was to cover my shift. Last night I got Andrew in bed ~8:30, played some SCII for about a hour (I won my first game and lost the following 3... I've been falling down the ladder like Humpty Dumpty lately... oi), was in bed at 9:30 and slept until around 3. Then I got up for about an hour and a half for my shift. Then slept till 8!

License to be Honest

Raising newborn twins sucks. Period. Anyone who tell you that you should enjoy it has never raised newborn twins before.

It sucks. And it's OK to admit that it sucks. I love those little guys with all my heart, but this age SUCKS! I used to think I enjoyed newborns. There's really nothing to enjoy. All they do is grunt and cry. I don't count eating, sleeping, excreting or any other natural bodily cycle because when someone asked me what I did yesterday I don't talk about eating, restrooming, or sleeping unless there was something out of the ordinary cycle regarding those things... and I thought the other person needed to know about it.

So newborns don't DO anything. People say "Oh, but their so cute!" Nonsense. Half the time you see them they're grunting or crying, or they have skin flakes everywhere or spitup all over them. That's not cute. And you don't get a strong impression that they are particularly grateful for your efforts and lack of sleep.

I think it's very important when raising newborn twins to distiguish between these new people in your life and the situation they have put you in. I love these guys. Even though the don't do anything and they are NO fun at all right now, they are still my boys and I love them. This situation: their age mixed with Andrew's age; SUCKS. And I feel like if I deny myself the honesty that I hate this really hard period of my life I'm going to have some kind of emotional breakdown. That's not gonna help anyone.

I have no idea who's gonna read this, but I hope you take it for what it's worth...